Taking my sleeve off and giving you my band-aid

We all wear sleeves. Even in such an imperative sleeve usage season a few choose to wear tanks, some do it so people can hear their muscles chant "fuck the weather, I'm hotter than a red savina and Imma give people a little taste" looney toon thinks it's sexy till they freeze their little arms off and get sick, stuck at home, now who's lookin’ at cha? NOBODY. Others do it to broadcast an arrangement of perfectly parallel eye magnets, boobies, till the distraction mechanism becomes a pointy weapon then it’s like “Come on gal, get a thermometer and a coat”. And then there are people like me, fully clothed no matter what season it is. Winter, summer, spring, fall I rock my long sleeve button up with a bow tie. PERIOD. I’ve always lived in Texas, but this past summer was something like living in a giant microwave, it had its pros and cons. I was instantly slapped with sweat the moment I stepped out but I saved energy, microwavables were set outside, I guess you can say I’m an ol’ fashion gal by heart. Okay pause. Since I don’t want you to be over occupied with repetitive humor that I so nervously am displaying to mask my real point, let’s get down to it. FUCK. Do I have to get naked?. Although most don’t know this, due to my clean display of self-satisfaction plastered on my shirt tag and shoe bottoms, I have a closet full of insecurities. I was and still am to a degree a very masked person. Should I share this with you since I want to be looked up to as a role model, maybe not, but I want to be looked up to as who I am not who I act to be. Let’s take off my shirt. I’m a slender dude, I’m going to take some time aside and blame it a little on my supposed “ADD” diagnoses, Ritalin curved my appetite as a child and I feel like that paved my way to my appetite now. I could be wrong but I do not have ADD, I’m just completely crazy. Appetite Diluted Diagnoses. But I’m not insecure about how thin I am, it’s the fact that my body still resembles a little boy. SOMEBODY HIT THE PUBERTY BUTTON. To be as realistic as possible, I’ll never grow out of my young body shape which scares me cause I see men who are 50 with a figure like mine and they look like the men you don’t want babysitting your kids. Yucky ducks! Let’s shave my head Oh boy, my head shape. I use to cry about this. My mom has always said I have an alien shaped head and sometimes referred to it as an egg shaped. Which created an unproportionate picture in my head of my canvas. Is my head too heavy for my body? I have no idea, which led me to my “lights down, mirror honesty, lights on, animosity” activity. Do you ever turn off the lights in the bathroom, stand in front of the mirror, try to forget what you look like, and turn the lights back on in hopes to see how people actually view you? Kind of like a first glimpse. I love doing this because no matter what I look the same, that and the fact that I do this activity about 6 times just fucks my memory up. I look even more familiar than I really want to. This insecurity has caused me to become quite personal with any hair stylist, because nothing is worse than a skinny kid with a big ass head and even bigger hair. *zipp* time to take off my pants my legs look like spaghetti, YUMMMSSSS. I think that’s why I pad myself down when I go running because what’s better than seeing a little big headed noodle running around, I can just hear people saying “poor thing, the winds got him and his little legs are just swimmin’”. socks and shoes Hi yeti! Let's move, now it’s time to get down deep. shirt off, bandaid off I did my “lights down, mirror honesty, lights on, animosity” game today, and that’s when I saw it. Something that is so personal to me, so emotional that I try forget about it, but it’s so dark that it overpowers my skin color. It’s much of the reason why I always wear long sleeves, why even when I was being microwaved in Texas I was still wearing a long sleeve, why when my old boss tried to make me wear a T-shirt I told him no, and why I wore a bandage on my arm my whole middle school and high school years. Wow this sucks, but I feel like this will put an end to my hardship. My birthmark. Where is it? My mid left arm. Sounds silly I know, but it isn’t because it’s completely visible. My family of course has seen it and the only other person is Trey and when I’m with him it’s weird but I don’t even realize it’s being exposed, but once I’m in public I can feel it. At one point I wanted to die over it. Imagine that, "young teen kills himself because he was marked on his arm", sounds so damn silly. "Jaycee, suicide?" Sounds crazy I know, cause I'm a giant advertisement for www.ifuckinlovelife.com but yes that was one reason suicide has been considered. In fact during my darkest times I contemplated setting up an at-home surgery table with only a bag of ice and a sharp knife to cut it off. With a limited resource of ice, I moved on to giving up my nose job and started saving up for birthmark removal. But then I said. “Fuck that plastic shit”. I’m Jaycee Coleman Queen. The goofy guy with the big smile and the confidence that inspires. I need to remain the role model that I practice every day. I’m skinny not buff, my nose is big but I mind my own business, my legs are noodles but it adds volume to a bowl of drive, my feet are big but I don’t step on people, and I have a birthmark but the mark I’ll make on this world will be bigger and more pigmented than the land that gives us life. Oh wow that was more emotionalt than I expected. So I am here tonight, taking my sleeve off and giving you my band-aid as a souvenir to remember its not about how much you bench or how big your boobs are its how you leave your mark.

Want to rip off your band-aid? Feel free to e-mail me (365daystofame@gmail.com) something that you may want to share, it will be extremely confidential and I would love to hear feedback. It's hard I know but it feels so lovely to rip it off. Feel free to share anything in the comment box below, just click the drop down, and enter your name and comment. This is definitely a post that was my hardest but I am glad I shared this.